An Honest Confession

It was a usual Saturday evening with nothing usual about it. Streets deserted, shops closed,flags fluttering over cycles parked in a row.At the end of lane ,could be seen an old man walking away with a long stick in his hand. For a moment, I was dumbstruck.He resembled someone I knew.But I was in no mood to reach him .

It had never happened that my Dad missed watching my performance. He wouldn’t have if that flight had not got Cancelled. There were bandhs, fights , closures India wide. Well !! I had overheard Mom speaking on phone :
“This Ayodhya thing was surely not a welcoming stint.The aftermath had to happen. Riots had happened then and after 60 years, nothing to change, no better”

Then I remembered once Granma say Ayodhya was Ram Janma Bhoomi. “What happened to Ram??” I asked her inquisitively. She picked me in her arms and carressed me saying “Nothing baby”. It must be Ravaan who created all violence then, I thought and settled. But the thought kept bugging me .I walked impatiently towards the temple lane, which is usually secluded and aloof , to ask Shri Ram all the questions rolling in my mind .And here he was.
This old man, 100 years old , was haunting me. Walking on and on in dangerous and venomous lane .

Stop!!! Stop!! Stop!!!

No reply came.

Stop You!! You………GrandPa….. Yes…You.

He turned back.

“ Grandpa!!” he extolled ,in his shaky, shivering yet divine voice.

I was mesmerized by the spark emanating from his face.

“Are you an angel…an Old Angel!!”

“No baby.I am afraid!! My name is Mohan.”

“But you appear to be so sad. Did your Dad too miss attending your function like mine”
“No baby!! I only have children ” , he said , with a giggle running through his face.
Ohh!! Is it?? How many?? How come??......and I kept on shooting questions like a quizzer. He answered some and laughed out the rest.

I fell in love with him instantly and told my agony and why I was sad.

Then when I asked him why he was sad, I sat dumbstruck. “Baby” , he said “I had made a family where I was the Father, all my children lived in a home called India like brothers and sisters.They worshipped different Gods,some Ram and some Allah, some Jesus and some Guru Nanak. They wore different clothes, celebrated different occasions. But they were One Family.”
“Today they are fighting. Humanity is fighting!! Anybody who is killed is my own.My child!!. Shan’t I be sad?”, he sighed.


I knew nothing. With the blend of emotions running heavy on my heart , I looked at the big clock on Temple entrance and exclaimed “ Its Quarter to 12 now. And before I am too late , Wishing You a Happy b’day Bapu ,The Father of my Nation”
And I had no gifts for the Father.


PS:Saturday 2nd Oct 2010 was Gandhi Jayanti

To the Women of Dreams,

She was dark but docile, lean and tender , thin but strong .Her eyes were dark enough to hide evrything wthin them.Her voice was shivering as she banged the gate hard calling "Amma " "Amma".She must be some 20 odd aged.But surprisingly the big pouch in her arms had, a small baby, among the many other things.There was a tattered saree, small pieces of cloth,a plastic with some biscuits and much more because almost everything was visibly falling from the sides.This was just the scene from the window in my room .But it seemed as if she was endlessly calling Amma Amma .Or it could be her voice resounding in my ears since her first call.She was desperate and exhausted. I wanted to wake my Mom and go down to her. May be I was too scared to face her alone but then there was no reason why. I , still, couldn't prevent myself from attending her. Then there was pin drop silence of a scorching sunny afernoon ,which she had broken by banging on every gate she could reach.I thought may be she left, may be she didnt.....May be I should go and check that....I went down the stairs, peeped trough the vent of our main door.She had dissappeared.I opened the door to look through the roads and check if she truly went away hopelessly, which I didnt want.I was craving for that one look at her face , the one that mesmerized me.
Maaa!!! A voice came from some where.Oh!!!the pouch she left!!It wasn't just the pouch, a mini-bed for a some-month-old girl. She was sparkingly beautiful.It was the same pouch that the lady was carrying.Some thousand questions ran in my mind.Did she abandon this child?Did she leave it to die?Did she leave this as food to Dogs?WHy? All questions stopped as I could see her coming from far.I asked her daringly, where she had gone ,as if I wanted her to answer me all those question that ran through me in one breath. But she replied in her leek and tender tone,"didi !!!! Water" with a water filled half-broken plastic bottle in her hand . I felt bad for not attending her then when she was running desperately from one gate to the other.My bad!!I asked her about the kid, and who she was.With the question she understood I was more worried for the kid.But how could I say her I was worried for not just her but both.They became dear to me in the first sight.In the mean time, my Mom came down to have a look at what it all was.She was as surprised as I was.A half-naked woman with a very tiny, malnutritioned kid."Who is she ?" asked my Mom.Even I didnt know.What to tell her.Mom turned to her "Where are you from ?" May be she didnt like my Mom instantly.Ignoring her questions she started to feed her child with the biscuits in the pouch and water from that broken bottle.Mom went ahead saying " Did you get this from the dust-bin?"She said"I bought these!!!""No !! not the biscuits, the bottle I am asking",Mom.She batted her lashes foolishly and said "Ohh!! But she was crying for water".Mom said " You 'll kill her anyways, lady!!! The dogs shit on these".I was just a silent observer of this introductory conversation between my Mom and her when suddenly she threw the child off the lap and shouted at my Mom saying "Kill who??" "kill Whooooo" "kill her""Had I wanted it, I would have done it 6 months ago not now" "I came from so far .....to this place...... to kill her""How can you think so.You're rich,educated and have so many people, so you can think of killing, not I!!! I'm alone ,all alone!!I want her to grow like you all , so I came so far" We kept on listening like statues.
I wanted to ask her the obvious questions like where are others.Surely she could not be the lone guardian .There has to be a Father."Where is your husband ??" I asked scarily."Gone to Hell"she replied back immediately."Ohh I'm sorry "I said.I knew she wasnt expecting ettiquetes, but then that comes by default to us,we the Elite. "Hurrrgggggghhh!!!!!!! I wish he died.I could have lived in peace." I guess I understood somewhat,"Where is he then?"...."With that bitch "I was now sure of my assumption."He is a Dog, a drunkard , a thief , a robber ....and this child's father" "He left me with the child in a jungle, for the foxes, but we survived."I was dumbstruck.I had seen demons in TV serials, movies, but this was one real time.How could he??? I knew nothing of that man but just wanted to stab him for his devlish act.Isnt he a human like you and me.But such questions , philosophy and introspection couldn't help her now. She had come here to find work away from the devil's den and grow her child to a good human being.My respect quadrapled.I wanted her to be a role model for every woman .But that was just a dream which was more than just tough accomplishing. She didnt know civilized society, didnt know culture, moreover nothing.But she had a dream- to bring up the child like us.How could I tell her that the dream was very very far from Reality .All the more, I didnt want that. If God has given night and sleep , so has He given Dream. I had no right to snatch her from it.
My Mom arranged for a small house for them and paid for that initially ,gave old clothes for the mother , some new for the kid.The lady worked as domestic help initially.Now she stitches clothes and earns enough for their living. Her kid got funded and admitted to school by Mom. They sometimes visit us.The small kid has an amazing dazzle in her eyes and charm in her smile.She is living her mother's dreams.
I had now seen two strong women.One the lady who fought her destiny and one who helped her fight it , my Mom.Love you Mama. To all the Women,You have a "Heart of Gold".Live it :)

Where is the Human-e Human????

"Homo-sapiens" is what we call ourselves, the scentific name for man.Almost everyone of us know that the ascent of man is not just a story but a saga of million years as man descended from apes, monkeys et al. The process initiated when some ape-like structures ventured to support their weight on hind-legs i.e. walking , then followed the search for food and then tools when they wanted to cut short their labour.Then came stones, then fire and awe.This was the steady race of this homonid to stand away from the rest.And thus was formed this social, intelligent, two-legged creature called human.With time it improved anatomically , and ofcourse mentally. The cerebrum and its grey improved by leaps. It was no more the one of animal, rather one of social. This gave birth to a social being.A human being!!!


At one point from then, this man stood as tall as you and me today. But evolution is the call of Nature. If Darwin's Theory had created man from monkey, then how could it stop at man. It ought to evolve and yes it did and how. The human which once ate raw meat evolved to invent microwave. The monkey-man which struggled to make fire by rubbing stones evolved to make atom bombs.Evolution didnot stop, as now came this period of Intellectual Evolution. Man , unique owners of brains in the myriad animal world , could not leave this opportunity of giving birth to a gigantic Scientific Revolution .This saw the tremendous discoveries and inventions followed by man's ,almost, invasion of Universe.


Now this Man was the reigning tyrant and shrewd dictator of not only the world but the entire Universe.But evolution never stopped.Where does it go from now on.Alls made and done.When was this Theory of Evolution coming to an end?Not now of course.This theory, by virtue of its postulates , claims to be ceaseless.And so did Humanity.It saw the birth of philosophers, thinkers,ethic-makers and so on.This, the period of Moral Evolution. The unity as species that helped man evolve, was now discrete.

The species which made a man out of ape, was now divided.It started to rule each other. One subjugated the other. There were boundaries between them . Each one fought for his own. The mission "Ascent of Man" was accomplished but where was the Man? Was it really a man.Wasnt it better as an ape? Today we fight for food , shelter and throne not with some other species but with our own because we evolved. I leave this question unanswered....Where is the Humane Human???

Music fills all voids!!!

"If music be the food of love, play on.", the famous words of William Shakespeare.Well!!! no wonder that the world finds symphony in music and music finds synonymy in Love, Beauty and Bliss.But isnt it little cruel on music's part to be so beautiful. Its stretches from the loneliness of love, to the bounties of solitude,from rigours of strength to wings of freedom, from the melancholy of remorse to the euphoria of celebration. I never banged head to understand rocket science as much as I did to understand the mystery of music.How it could mesmerize ears even with the monotonous-7-notes.These 7 notes makes the entire Universe of Music.Nevertheless every beat of it brings new yet everlasting piece of innovation.What cannot be said and yet needs to be said metamorphoses to Music.If I were ever asked to know what Music is I would say No-I did'nt need because thats what music is.Deciphered but yet so unpredictable,mysterious and unknown.

I am a musical person.To me, music is peace.Music is that which fills the voids that are left unfilled.Music blues, music rules and conquers most of my life.I give it the freedom it deserves.I have never learnt A,B,C of Music to understand the depth of interpretation by a vocalist. But then i never felt the need to be. For me music is the voice which somes from my heart,blends with emotions and comes out as a song.As a kid of 8 months, I comprehended sounds sung to me far better than words told to me.May be then and there people around me realized that music is innate , neither inculcated nor thrust.As I grew, unknowingly I knew most of the delicacies of Music and involuntary basics of Sur,Lay and Taal.My musical venture was varied ,touched upon by ad-jingles, movie albums , bhajans, typical-school-chorus, intra-school-election-campaign-morchas et al.I loved music and music loved me, until one day when I realized the irony of a fact that - How cruel it is when someone who loved music cant sing two lines musically....He cant even bear testimony to his passion for music after he himself makes music sound bizzare.Its truly a terrible feeling.Yes my Papa,an ardent admirer of good music-be it classical,semi-classical,hindustani,odissi and much more, cant even sing "Janaganamana"(our national anthem) in sync with the crowd.Its not that he doesn't he just can't.And then he says "Cherish the talent you have.Not everyones that lucky!!!"I guess my Dad was someway lucky as my parents were married some 25 years back and my Dad never had had to sing to woo his girl.But for Gen-Now,I can't even think.
Girl: Ohh!!poor you.........Can't you sing two lines for me and you claim to love me so so much....

Boy: I wish I could!!
Girl:Grrrrrrrrrrrr (Shahrukh sings for all his heroines :( )
Boy: Darling I cant, if you say I can jump off a cliff, train something something
Girl:Leave it!!!!!!!(Could have hummed something, I compared him to Shahrukh just now........he's still mum.)
Boy:Ok fine....Here I go!!!1 2 3(Eyes closed)


" Humein tumse pyaar kitna, yeh hum nahin jaante
magar jee nahin sakte , tumhare bina....aaaaa ........aaaaa"

He knows it now.And the girl is all blushhhhhh blussshhh even after such an insult to the classic.Dont you still feel music can fill all voids??

All I can Say is Thank You :)

When I had lots, yet so much lost,
you waited for me with all the love.


When I was so scared to walk the woods,
up in front to hold my hand, there you stood.


When I was struggling to find my way in dark,
You showed me way, paved through grass.


When I wanted the rains to wet me through,
The heavens showered black and blue.


When I asked God was it You,
He said not Me , someone else made that only for you.


When I dreamt of Love, God came in dreams
Said, "Open your eyes, Here's my gift "


When I dint find any, He gave this poem and said
"Find the 'you' from the lines above "


When I found him and said "Thank You",
God went away saying "I have made him just for you".

Education is what you retain when Education ends...

We live in an educated , civilized and a morally heftier society where education is as important as food , shelter and other primary needs. Education is gaining such supremacy over other essential factors that the moment child leaves the mother's womb, the world around starts to chalk down the list of schools in the locality ,where he can commute , learn and grow up to a potential Engineer, Doc and bla bla bla.The days after birth ,when he knows just to cry, are his only days of actual rest. The moment he learns to make noises with his tongue and stars mimicking his surroundings , the next moment he is taught to speak A, B, C....1,2,3....He is helpless because he doesnot know how to speak and he desperately wants to unleash the world around as quickly as possible.But with the advent of education so suddenly into his life ,before he realized, denies the opportunity to construct his own theories of the world and then refine them based on confirming and dis confirming evidence . Soon he is part of the rat race to prove himself smarter and faster than the rest. I am sure if he knew and understood what to speak he would surely say "Gimme a break". The innate propensities to learn disappeared somewhere in the oblivion. He no more learns. He races, against himself - against his counterparts -against time.In this run he sometimes ends up living upto his parents, teachers dream and sometimes he doesn't.In case the latter happens , it could be lethal many a times. And then how do you define education. As something which can kill if not yields positive results.Instead of burdening the child with bulky curricula why not make space for his mind to grow. Digest his failure equally as his success. Give him the food for thought , nourish his cognitive ventures and accompany him rediscover the unknown so that at the end of this enriching journey of education he retains his education and has the power to absorb beyond the boundaries. Lets make this journey of education worthwhile and worth travelling unlike its conventional transverse.

A Boring Sunday !!!!!

Boring Sundays are one of the most commonest things which happen to me as often as Sundays. Yes!! Sundays go boring mostly for me.I still havent been able to figure out how and why.The Beauty lies in the fact that it recursively repeats and re-iterates though I make a deliberate endeavour to prevent such a thing from happening.No use!!!

Week after week , week days gets monotonous and I heartily pray God to make my Sunday jobless so that I can rest doing nothing, stare from my balcony couch thinking nothing .And when God showers His' blessings and grants me my wish, I suffer a 180 deg shift and start cribbing on why does Sunday go boring.

Lets introspect more into what could be the probable causes of such a dilemna. May be, its not just my problem.It could be a problem with you, me and everyone else. We always hanker for something we didnot get. Keep no stones unturned to achieve it.Cheer up and consol ourself when we fail in this journey. Urge harder. Think nothing but our 'Aim'. But alas!! when we are just at our target and the smell of success in achieving this feat sinks in...Heart goes on saying "Take it easy.No big deal". And then we realize just one more feather to my cap.

Same is the case with a Sunday. With one of the most tidious assignments which I am into, Sundays are uncommon for me.But given a chance, I make sure I am at home with no work - absolute jobless , no guests, no unnecessary phone calls, no street shopping or outing. And lots of effort goes in simulating such an ideal environment. And when its made , I suddenly realize may be we humans cant live with something Ideal. We need change , not necesarrily a Ideal one.

A Place I Would Never Visit Again

"Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" . It truly does. By virtue of my birth as a girl I have all the rights in the world to beautify myself, look good and try getting better with time. So how can I run away from this duty when the right has already been bestowed without any opinion or choice of mine.The more I try to run away from this process , the more I am bugged by every other person, who is opinionated about what is the reason behind this behavior of mine. Some vehemently undermine this attitude of mine while others somehow persuade me to visit a beauty parlour just to check what those mundane therapies and worthless techniques can foster in anybody....mind you-anybody.

Frankly I donot have any strong reason of not visiting one. But just that I donot have the patience to sit in there for hours at a stretch and I some how feel that no process can really change your looks.Oh yes, after putting layers of those lotions, gels, fairness creams it does give some level of satisfaction to you. But the expense at which the state is attained . is much much more compared to the results obtained.Moreover , it is the same you after a wash which removes all those artificial -beauty-instilling materials. One of my recent encounters at one of those very popular Beauty parlours, inhibits from visit to any of that kind for the rest of my life. And now I can vouch for my claim I did that "Nothing in this world can change you , except you yourself". I strongly believe that the lumpsome amount we shell out from our pockets in the persuit of beauty can only satisfy us momentarily.Rest all is history.In my most recent visit to one of such kind gave me pain, emptied my pocket , wasted a larger proportion of my weekend and ended up with a bizarre. And the aftermath of that struggle was something unprecedented.
This blog update, triggered after a long gap , was the only optimal benefit harnessed from the entire episode. Rest all aren't worth mentioning though.

Whats the use of indulging in such nuisance when I know that for my loved ones I am still the same beautiful girl ,sans thrusts of artificiality . Girls, my suggestion to you is there are many good and worthwhile places to spend your money if they are abundant. Parlours, for sure, aren't one of those.

The Other side of Hedge

Well!!!!!Plz dont get misled by my title above though t ll seriously mk u feel.bt reasons y!!even i donno.u knw wen u come out f d cyst wat bugs u z every oder thing.penning down thgts dat u undergo z quite next 2 impossible.though m not a crowned writer but yes making an effort takes no cost .yup collz over.next drastic ,long,and......steep plunge straight on d corporate yard.d transition z sudden , n u have very lil or no tym 2 realize whr u actually are.honestly spking i found t lil strange.oops z t whr rest of my lyf. y z t dat i still fail 2 digest d feelin of seriousness n my lyf.i find t very difficult 2 acknowledge d very fact of now things are very far from home,school,college.........my protective cyst.i missing dem all:-( n more dan nythng else missing home lyk i never did........

You Cant Always Win!!!!!!!!!!

It was 15th auAugust.That day, I knew ,was papa's holiday.No more ,no less.But this particular day,15th August ,1990 I learnt was not any other day.It was our independence day and my first year in school.We were asked by our class teacher, the previous day, to wear clean neatly- pressed uniforms,polished shoes and reach school by 7 in the morning on15th,the next morning.The teacher,my first teacher Mrs Jaya Iyer,took my school diary and wrote something in my diary which read ............Dear parents,your ward.........................
I could only read these four words because it was common in all notice written by her and mom read it aloud,so i remembered.Rest was mere cursive writing for me because I had only learnt reading alphabets,numbers,rhymes recited by Ma'm and Mom.Since notice was a mixture of so many alphabets ,it was fussy for me to understand and read .Like always I went home and told Mom that there was something written for her in my diary.I always felt privileged for my diary was asked by teacher very frequently.Anyways,Mom went through the writing in the diary and told me "Tomorrow is Independence Day,and every year we celebrate this day because our country became free from foreign rule and we were our own rulers on this day in the year 1947"
Trust me I practically understood nothing and the only thing that bugged me was why does indepedence(oh my god !such a long word) start with 'I' and not'E'.I was far away from the purpose of the notice which said that I had to speak a few lines on this very auspicious day about its importance.My mom was very elated and humbled for being the mother of a speaker.But nobody other than her knew what it takes to make me mug a recitation or a short story.No prices for guessing it right I was an impatient listener and a quick learner.But my study hours started when everyones asleep.Yes in the midnight.She was initially very excited about my plunge to oratory but in no time she realised the lacunas.When Papa came home in the evening I rushed to say that I ll speak on "Indepenedndendnece".I pronunced it that way.He was like '"what???????????say again".Soon both them burst into laughter and I very cleverly realised I did some mistake somewhere.I was a lil child then but atleast mature enough to understand that it wasnt going to be very easy the next morning.Papa and Mom ,both of them ,tried their level best to finalise a simple,small,easy-to-pronunce speech for me because my preparation for speech would start early in the midnight and they had to play it safe.Then when the learning session started i lost interest in getting byheart because i was used to only rhymes which had some attractive words like"twinkle-twinkle,baba-black sheep,open ur mouth hahaha,chuby cheeks-dimple chin etc etc".The stories mom told had crow,bear,cat,monkey and so on.But this speech had only some bombastic words like"freedom","indepededendnenece(independence)","honourable","britishers".I dint like it.Soon my parents realised that it was rocket science for me.Then papa devised a way to make me understand it first.He told me what Independence is,how Britishers invaded us,set up east india company,then expanded their empire,subjugated provinces,then how poor enslaved Indians rose from the ashes,fought with non violence,about freedom fighters their struggle,bloodshed,massacres.All this and more.I was understanding it better now.Now I took interst in learning it.Heard it mom read.She read it 3 times and I just followed her.In no time I could remember it because I understood what "independence"is.I could pronunce it properly now.Soon I fell asleep and sooner I woke up for there were 'butterfies in my stomach'.I was all ready for school without hinting slightest fear or nervousness.Mom and Dad were the part of audience.I was amongst the first row occupants who would speak.We all stood up for flag hoisting and then "jana- gana-mana 'followed.Our Principal madam,Chief Guest Sir and Vice Principal Sir were on the dias.Then a group of girls performed on a patriotic song Then followed a sequence of speech by principal ma'm,sir,guests.Then came students turn.My name was called and I went up to the dias,looked for my mom and dad in the audience.I found them very easily as they stood up clapping and cheering me,very formally though.I started "Good Morning ,Respected Sir,Ma'm,teachers and dear friends......................"
Papa had told me to take necessary pauses and show li'l gestures.Mom told me to conclude saying jai hind ,vande matram!!!!!!!!!!I made no mistakes and ended my speech with a thank you.To my surprise,the entire audience stood up,clapped and clapped and clapped.I couldnot see my parents though.Our Principal Ma'm took me in her arms,pecked me and gave a rose from the bouquet in my hands.The Chiefguest sir asked me 'which class are you in?'My parents were called on stage and shook hands with them all.They were more than just happy.
It was my first performance on stage and my first felicitation for performance.since then I have won many prizes and lots of accolades but this one owes no second.Perhaps I won.It would last a lifetime.

The Magic Of Twilight,8th May 2008

Never had I imagined that my emotions would overbrew and fall from the brim the way it happened .Yes,that dusk left a mark which I would cherish in the years to come.It was 8th may,2008.We had one paper to go and that was the conclusive day of engineering.Trust me ,nobody was in a mood to write exam.I finished it as soon as possible like others and waited outside for others to come.It was a mixed feeling,a combo of 'uff-finally-exams-are- over!.' and
'is-this-the-last-day-in-college?'.Nobody really knew how to react,yet all wore a smile just for the sake of it.Thereafter as the crowd grew in number,it devised ways to celebrate .In the scorching noon heat ,some of my friends threw water to each other with the gardening hose pipes.That was relaxing as well as worth remembering.Others made it big by playing holi.Hats off to them ,they made it a point to get colours even if exams preceded.I even forget to get calculator and admit card during exams,what remember anything else.No prices for guessing it right,i was a mere spectator of the whole noon spell.

We were called for a small farewell function at 5 p.m.Who could afford to miss it?Not me of course!!Now that was something I was waiting eagerly for,but i reached li'l late,donno why.May be I was a bit too excited.Anyways it was a very formal get-together that shouldn't cause any emotional downfall.Neither did it until it came to the verge of conclusion.Earlier I ridiculed the process of bidding adieu but then i ridiculed myself for having thought that way.Then when the twilight faded to dusk ,it made my heart heavy.I suddenly made my way to an emotional dilemma.I saw everyone smiling ,but i couldn't convince myself that it was the case.All were in a mood to capture the moment in photo films.I found my friends wearing the most affectionate smiles which gave me jitters and wet eyes.Till then I believed laughter is contagious,but no more.That smile took my nerves away,and I suddenly felt the emptiness roaring.I was starting to realize the absence of my friends(though i never celebrated the presence),I was getting nostalgic with the campus,the class room,the labs.These thoughts haunted me in the not-so-dark

evening like it was midnight.There were sounds of laughter,shouts,clicks,claps everywhere but for me the silence was pin drop.Finally we parted.I am yet to digest the complete feeling of the end of Engineering.Iwish there was a 9th semster..................I am not this way generally.All this might be the magic of twilight...............